Letting Go of Perfection Through Presence
I took a beautiful painting meditation class yesterday morning at 9 am on a Saturday, led by my friend Jeanne who I met through our coaching certification program. Jeanne is an enlightened, kind, and present soul who I’ve always appreciated in the short amount of time knowing. In recent times, we’ve reconnected and caught up on life, and I’m so grateful for that. I’m also the proud owner of one of her oil paintings, a scene of a small sailboat along the ocean, with beautiful colors of turquoise, blue, green, cream, and more…mixed together like a beautiful melody. Sometimes I feel like that little sailboat–caught in a cloud of both sunlight and emanating darker clouds, trying to set sail in both conditions. And just like clouds, my spirits and moods change directions, depending on what is happening within and around me.
But let me get back to my story. Jeanne leads these amazing painting meditation workshops virtually (thankfully, since I’m in CA and she’s in WA). I spent an hour plus being present to myself and lost in the world of painting different colored triangles, while mindfully saying the following:
“May you be happy
May you be healthy
Free from harm and suffering
And may my life touch your life, always for the better.”
It was a way to send a kind intention/prayer to someone, something, or a community we are a part of….each beautiful triangle representing them. I continued painting throughout this past weekend, not wanting to stop. While I practice meditation and other mindfulness practices such as dance, yoga, or calling in Spirit/the Universe/God–however you want to label it, this meditation felt a bit different–as if I was going through people in my life, and saying this intention specifically meant for them, as I created art.
Painting and drawing has always been a bit of a struggle for me. I have always sought to be further along in my own development, and admired (and yes–envied) those around me who are gifted artists in this way, including my sister and favorite aunt. I recognized a few years ago that this stems from childhood; when I was in the third grade, I had a pretty traumatic and poignant incident that occured, which really had me questioning my abilities and activating my saboteurs in a major way.
At the time, I was sitting next to my BFF Cheryl, who by the way–was an amazing and gifted artist at the age of 8. All the boys had crushes on her; she naturally drew people to her, and was kind to all the other kids. Unfortunately, her amazing-ness was kryptonite to my self-esteem and ego. I was caught in this comparison Olympics, thinking she had and was everything I wanted to be, which included being a gifted artist at a young age.
The assignment was to draw a whale in an ocean, or have some sort of beach scene. I remember peering over at Cheryl’s drawing, already feeling like mine looked like shit. My whale was not as obvious as the animal it was supposed to be (for fucks sake, I was 8), and I was judging myself left and right while looking over at my BFF’s drawing, and what I quickly clocked as near perfection.
Our teacher started making her rounds as we quietly drew. As she got to the two of us, she exclaimed, “Wow, Cheryl! Very good, great job, etc.” My heart quickly started beating, as I knew mine was a bit…different. Our teacher looks at mine and starts LAUGHING…and in her chuckling, said, “Annalyn, what IS that? IS THAT A WHALE?” I quickly wanted to hide underneath my desk, as she spoke the words that I was already fearing. The judgement was apparent, and I was completely humiliated.
Tears welled up behind my eyes, and I don’t even remember if I had a response. I just know that that moment stayed with many all throughout my adolescence, and even in my adult years.
Fast forward to yesterday’s painting meditation. Jeanne shared a series of varying triangles, shapes, colors, and sizes, and asked the participants which one was the “best.” I actually wanted to point to the ones that stood out to me, but she quickly stated that there are no “right,” “best,” or “perfect” triangles.
Suddenly I felt like I let out a sigh of relief. Maybe it was my younger self finally getting permission that whatever I was about to create was going to be “perfect”--and not because of the way it looked, but because I was about to embark on a journey of being present for the next 20+ minutes in painting my imperfect triangles.
I caught myself going into judgement mode for a few seconds…and then I brought myself back to the intention instead:
“May you be happy
May you be healthy
Free from harm or suffering
And may my life touch your life, always for the better.”
When I came from that place–of loving kindness for those who I thought of, and just as importantly–kindness for myself, I knew that I was slowly healing the pain from that memory in the third grade.
And yes–I even painted a triangle for my teacher. Perhaps she judged herself or her own artistic abilities; at times, we often judge those who may activate something within us that we’re not happy about within ourselves. Or maybe she simply wasn’t thinking about how her ribbing or joking could have affected an impressionable 8 year old girl, who already had issues with her confidence and self-esteem. Regardless, I sent her some loving kindness, and let go of the perfection I always strived for when creating art; and let’s be real–the perfection I strove for in my past jobs and the managers I seeked approval from; with people who I dated and wanted to portray a certain image of “the cool girl” for; for my parents, to accept me for who I was and how I decided to live, independent from them; the list goes on.
Today, I let go of it all.
