Fully Living
I have found myself sitting with this deep question of “What is fully living?” I’ve pondered a lot recently about this existential question; I think it’s so present and palpable because of the recent passing of my dear friend, soul sister, and framily member (i.e., what she lovingly called “framily = friends who are chosen family”) Christina Paguyo.
I’ve spent countless hours in the deep sorrows of grief since I heard the news of her passing away on January 3, 2023. My brain, heart, and spirit have been trying to make sense of it all–and in between those moments, I have been deeply missing her beyond anything I’ve yet to experience in my life thus far. As I move through and experience the waves of grief (that some of us know all too well from having lost someone dear to them), this question of “What is fully living?” and furthermore, “How do I honor Christina by fully living in this dimension, in this body?” continues to be a steady hum in each day that passes.
This is my attempt to put into words a seemingly easy question to answer, yet I have struggled to do so. There’s a part of me that believes Christina herself is asking me–and all of us who were lucky enough to have been touched by her light–to deeply meditate and reflect on this for each one of us. How is fully living different from being alive? Can we be asleep to our own existence, our own pain, our lived experiences with trauma, yet still exist fully living on the continuum of also experiencing joy? Authenticity? Calm within our bodies and nervous systems, to tell us we are safe, we are loved? That we are here in this realm and have the opportunity to fully take advantage of this gift and privilege we’ve been offered?
I’ve woken up many times since Christina’s passing, grateful to have another day on this Earth. To touch my own skin, recognizing I’m still here in this body…and the recognition of how many times I’ve taken for granted the moments of breathing fresh air, being able to speak to someone I love, or spending time in nature which reminds me of our connectedness to Mother Earth, to Spirit, to the One. And I’ve been in continuous conversation with Christina’s spirit, which continues to lovingly guide, support, and hold space for me in this one precious life that I continue to wake up to.
Living my life fully has not always been my go-to. Let’s be real, the concept itself has not been one that I’ve sat with for very long. What I recognize is this deep ache of losing someone in the physical realm, sifting through memories that may at some point fade off, the regret that we didn’t have more time to come together and be in one another’s presence….so, here are my initial thoughts and feelings about answering the call, “What is fully living?” To me, it is:
Accessing Stillness: Listening for the beauty within our stillness, which to me, is our inner wisdom. Our intuition. The downloads from something greater; a loving entity that is continually letting us know some important information or reassurance about the “right” path we take is the one that involves us getting still enough to hear what we often ignore or push down.
Forming Connections with Others: The soul connection that we have with one another, and that can only truly exist when we are brave enough to look at one another with deep curiosity and little to no judgment. The connection is present when two people feel safe enough to reveal parts of themselves that they have hidden from most of the world because it was terrifying to truly just be. So instead, we have cut ourselves off from connection to then long for the very thing we’re truly afraid of. I will continue to search for (and hold on to) true soul connections with others.
Tapping Into My Own Wisdom: For the majority of my life, I have searched externally for others’ validation in order to “check” that my own inner wisdom was good enough. I would make a decision (i.e., This could be as small as what type of coffee drink I would buy to how I was going to handle my finances after my ex and I split up) and then somehow need others to weigh in and validate…what was in actuality, I already knew to be My Truth. It hasn’t been until the last few years that I’ve started to recognize that my inner wisdom–along with beautiful downloads from the Universe and Spirit–is enough. I. Am. Enough. You. Are. Enough.
Being Present to What Is, In This Moment: Like many of you, I’ve looked back at my past in the rear-view mirror, only to find myself not looking at the road that is right in front of me, sometimes because fear would pop up to live Here. I’ve also spent too much time looking ahead at my future map, only to be worried that I’ll never get to the destination I’ve clung to, in the hopes that THAT place will make me happy. I am now consciously practicing the here, the Now. Presence is the practice of life lessons that again–seems so easy to “do,” and yet, most folks that I know struggle with this every day. So we numb out or push presence away instead, because sometimes, while our past is too painful, or our anxiety for what is to possibly come next spins our minds to the point of breaking, it can feel safer because it’s what we know. Or we think we can control what we don’t know, by playing out every scenario and fear that can possibly happen, without any of it actually being true to RIGHT NOW.
Let’s be clear, presence is not always easy. It is tough to stay with what is in the moment, especially if those emotions feel overwhelming and all-consuming. I’ve struggled to stay present for my grief at the loss of Christina. Sometimes it is like my heart feels like it’s literally breaking, or aches so painfully that I have chosen to focus on my work or another distraction that takes me away from this present pain. And despite this, I know that true presence is fully living.
Feeling Into All Of It: This goes hand in hand with presence. In the past few years since I’ve been trying to live my life more consciously, with purpose and awakening. I have recognized how much of myself has shied away from feeling into all of it. All of the emotions, beliefs, and subtle hints and shifts of energy that happens all the time. I now know that I’ve often masked my pain of painful experiences that used to bring me bouts of shame and embarrassment. My therapist Linda has lovingly pointed out that I am still experiencing shock and tremendous loss over Christina’s passing…and the importance of feeling into all of it. And in those moments when I’ve allowed myself to go there–the sadness, the sorrow, the regret, the memories that make me heartily laugh and chuckle…I know that I’m honoring myself by feeling into it all. I am no longer taking on the shame that has festered within, afraid to show my true emotions. I’m feeling into all of it because I have the privilege right now to feel at the depths of my core.
Reach Out When I Need Support: I’ve done this fairly well in my life, but there have definitely been moments when I felt as though I was “burdening” others with my feelings and emotions. That my challenges were too great to speak of, or that I had to keep my chin up and face the world, alone. Because that’s the story I told myself in order to not be hurt or disappointed by others. And I’ve since learned and continue to be reminded that we are not meant to go about this world alone. There are some individuals and systems in this world that will try to break us, try to convince us we’re not capable, that we are not worthy to exist in our own humanity. And in those moments–those painful, terrifying instances–I remind myself that fully living is reaching out when I need support. To tend to my soft and precious heart that is in pain, to remind my little self (i.e., Little Annalyn) that I am powerful beyond any external measure, that I am here for a variety of reasons, and that the challenges and pain I’ve endured over my lifetime reminds me of my aliveness. And it reminds me that my community, my beautiful inner circle, and My Hype Crew have held me up when I was about to fall onto my knees. Christina was a part of that circle for me for many, many years. I wish I told her enough in person, in this realm, how thankful I was/am to have had her in my life as long as I did. Funny enough, I now know and feel it deep within my soul that she is now happily serving as one of my daily Spirit Guides. If I listen closely enough, she is here with me, cheering me on, advising me, and listening to my sometimes broken heart….she reassures me that fully living is in me. That I need to be conscious and awake to what is and to know that I am love, that she is love, and that we are all One.
While these reflections can never take the pain away of how I feel with her no longer present in her body form, I am so grateful to know that she continues to inspire me. She is gently nudging me to continue to reflect on what it means to fully live with purpose and consciousness. She reminds me to practice gratitude for everything, everyone, and every experience that makes my existence on this plane so sacred.
Maraming maraming salamat to my sister, my dear friend, my heart, Christina. I cannot wait till I hug you fiercely and laugh again till our sides hurt…and to experience the tears of joy and presence that we once had, only to be experienced in a different dimension. I love you so much.
